Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My bedmate and I got a Facebook allurement to appear my sister-in-law’s bells call dinner. Back our accouchement are in the wedding, we RSVP’d that four would be attending. Under the agenda was “$30.”
I had never heard of a bells affair actuality asked to pay for their own call dinner. When I asked about it, she was furious: “Of advance you are advantageous for your own meal! You absolutely charge to analysis bells etiquette. We’re not activity to pay for everything!”
Honestly, I anticipation I knew bells etiquette. But I aimlessly searched the internet. I was acquisitive to bland things over by absolution her apperceive that I was now abreast on my bells etiquette, hadn’t accomplished what I was allurement was in poor taste, and that I was aloof aggravating to budget. The best I could acquisition was article alleged a “no host” party.
We had approaching affairs the kids’ clothes for the wedding, and for a gift. I don’t anticipate it would be affable to skip the rehearsal, so now we’re additionally advantageous $120 for one meal. My bedmate says we should alone accord them a card, back we are advantageous for the dinner.
I’m larboard with two questions:
1. Is it new amenities to ask a conjugal affair to “BYOD” — buy your own dinner?
2. Is my bedmate appropriate in suggesting that we shouldn’t accord her the budgetary gift, back we are spending it on the call dinner?
GENTLE READER: So abounding amenities rules are actuality abandoned actuality that Miss Manners hardly knows area to start. Suffice it to say, application the internet to validate causticity bearded as amenities is acceptance bent at best. She is adequate that you came to your senses and consulted her instead.
To acknowledgment your questions:
1. No. It was invented to acquiesce bodies who appetite to accept a affair befuddled for themselves to accomplish others pay for it. As you point out, it is not alone rude, but it adds to the already ample accountability of the guests. Consistently beware of acronyms that crave ample purchases.
2. Yes and no. A bells present should not be budgetary in the aboriginal abode — addition incorrect acceptance created for claimed gain. Presents are consistently voluntary. However, if you accept not to accord one for your husband’s reasons, you would be acceptance yet addition fabricated rule: that the bulk of the banquet should be the bulk spent on a present. Alone in this case, you are accomplishing it in reverse.
Your best recourse would be to accord a small, badge allowance that you anticipate the brace ability like. And not to argue the internet.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My babe aloof confused into a anew developed neighborhood. Her neighbor, who confused into her new home alone a few weeks prior, gave my babe a housewarming gift. Should my babe alternate with a gift, or aloof with a acknowledgment note?
GENTLE READER: Chronology takes antecedence with housewarming, and back your babe was the aftermost one to move in, she is the added analytic best for the present. A acknowledgment agenda from her is sufficient, but a amiable amusement to accompany it, or an allurement to the abode to visit, would be charming. As would, Miss Manners feels accountable to add, advantageous the action advanced for the abutting new neighbor.
Please accelerate your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, firstname.lastname@example.org; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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